Tuesday, July 14, 2015

The Bad Times...

No one wants to write about the bad times, not even me.

And I'm talking about the bad eating disorder times specifically.

Like when I have a great day but then I binge.

Or when I skip breakfast and lunch because I binged last night.

Or when the ED tells me to weigh myself and body check in order to start over with a new diet plan or eating disorder behavior.

Or when I binge nonstop for 3 days, and it takes me another week or two to get back on track with my recovery meal plan.

Or when I isolate myself because I don't want anyone to know what my ED tells me is the truth: that I'm disgusting and worthless and deserve loneliness and fat.

Yeah, I really don't like documenting the bad times.

But I feel like it's important to blog about them sometimes, otherwise this blog will turn into a place like Facebook, where I only show my favorite things, and never show my struggles.

I struggle daily with my ED.  I'm trying hard to stay in recovery-mode 24/7, but it just isn't happening.  I still am reaching for the silver medal most days, instead of the gold. 

Some days I still fantasize that I don't have an eating disorder, that I just need to re-read Intuitive Eating and grow up.

Some days I still think that all that is needed to have a good life is a thin body.

Some day I truly believe that I am a terrible, undeserving, disgusting person.

But the good part is that most days (like typically 4/7 every week), I try hard to stay on the recovery path.  And most days I love myself and my body.  And most days I know that the ED is telling me lies, not truths.

So that's something.

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