Friday, February 22, 2013

"Emotional Eating" - I'm done with it.

It feels amazing to say the following words:

I'm done with
emotional eating.

Seriously, I am done with it.

I finally got sick and tired of tying food with my emotions.

So I quit cold turkey.

Actually, it wasn't as easy to quit as I'm probably making it sound.

It took YEARS.  Almost decades, really...about 18 years.  That right, a child has been born, grown up, and can now vote and get charged as an adult for crimes in the time that it took me to overcome this issue. I have been eating for emotional reasons since puberty. 

So believe me, this is no small feat.

How did I get over it?

Unfortunately, I'm not entirely sure.  That's why I hesitated to blog about it, because I know that many are looking for a cure to this problem, and I don't think that I can provide that for you.  :-(

The only tip that I can muster is to "act as if".  By that, I mean to act as if you no longer eat for emotional reasons, even if you do...  Like, when you realize that you are eating for emotional reasons, say OUT LOUD "Nope.  I don't do this shit anymore" (or something nicer, whatever works for you, but I think that cursing emotional eating is A-Okay).

I don't think that I can adequately explain to you how awesome it feels to say goodbye to something that has controlled way too big a piece of my life.

It's amazing.

I'm not eating perfectly or anything (far from it right now) but I know for a fact that none of the foods that I have consumed the last couple of weeks have been because of emotions.

That being said, I do still have some issues with overeating.

But because I no longer emotionally eat, that has gotten so much better too. 

I did really think that if I stopped my emotional eating that I could stop my overeating, too.  I hate that that hasn't happened yet.  But I'm getting closer.

The differences between emotional overeating and regular overeating?

Once I realize that I'm not hungry anymore,  I have no problem stopping.  There is no more "woe is me, I ate half the bag of chips, I'm pathetic, life sucks, may as well eat the other half plus a hole pizza and some cake" self-talk.  I simply recognize that I overate, and am able to put the fork (or whatever) down immediately. 

The only reasons that I'm still overeating sometimes is when either I waited too long to eat and am therefore extremely hungry, or something tastes REALLY good and I don't want eat slowly enough to be able to listen to my hunger signals, or when I eat while distracted. 

Again though, once I realize that I'm overeating, I can easily stop.  That is a HUGE improvement for me.

I think that one of the reasons that I'm overeating is that in my quest to stop obsessing about food, calories, and exercise, I have developed a pretty substantial junk food habit.

On one hand, I'm thrilled that I am eating my favorite snack foods almost daily, and am doing so in a non-emotional, non-ED, non-judgey, non-bingey way.  On the other hand, I know that my favorite junky snack foods are not healthy and/or filling options.  It's very easy to overeat on chips or oreos, even if I'm not eating them for emotional reasons.

Instead of focusing on removing those foods out of my diet (NOT gonna happen right now, I've worked way too hard to be able to enjoy these in a non-ED way to start making rules about what I can or cannot eat), I think that I am going to focus on ADDING healthy foods to each meal and snack.

And continue my quest towards listening to my hunger signals.

But for now, I am rejoicing in the fact that my emotions no longer control my eating.  One less thing to worry about.  :-)

I honestly think that Mom has helped with this from the Afterlife, looking down on me and giving me that extra boost to get rid of this problem after all of these years.  Thanks, Mom, for helping me out.

P.S.  Sorry for the long, picture-less post.  Posting from work!  Will add photos later.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

I'm a rebel.

There is something that I really want to share with you guys, and yet part of me is really reluctant to do so. 

And the crazy part is, it's something good.

Crazier still is that it's relevant to this blog.

There's a reason that I'm reluctant to tell you guys.  The reason is that I'm scared of my own rebellion.

I'm a rebel against my own success.

Here's the dirt:  I'm doing really well with my eating and exercise.  I feel GREAT about those things right now.  I feel 100% in control, and that I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.  On top of that, I'm seeing results!!!

My pants got bigger!

Why was that so hard for me?!

Here's why:  Every time I blog about how well I'm doing, I end up almost immediately doing terribly.

I don't know exactly why that is, but it's something that needs to stop.

Because I shouldn't only blog about food and eating when I'm doing terribly with those things.  I shouldn't only blog about food and eating when I'm trapped in some absurd diet and/or EDNOS mentality.  I shouldn't only blog about food and eating when I'm feeling like crap about it all.

I need to blog when things are good.  And blogging about the good times needs to be a positive experience instead of something for me to rebel against.

For whatever reason, when I tell the world how well I'm doing, I rebel against that.  Like now that you all know that things are groovy, I might as well let myself go a bit.  Does that make any sense?  Are any of you rebels like me?

Anyway, I'm just here to tell you that as far as diet and exercise go, I'm doing REALLY well right now.

And I feel like I may have finally (GULP) let go of my disordered eating thoughts.

I should probably repeat that last part:  I may have let go of my disordered eating thoughts!!!

I'm not saying that they are gone for good (fingers crossed, though) but I'm saying that right now, those thoughts are dead.

Yes, I'm tracking my calories on My Fitness Pal.  No, I'm not cooking every day, or eating healthy every meal, or binge-eating every night.

I'm not obsessing about the calories, or the quality of my food.  I'm tracking just because it feel like the right thing to do right now.

Stopping to smell the roses...

It's just like my exercise.  I'm not doing it just to burn calories anymore, and that is why I'm enjoying it more. Maybe because I'm tracking my calories in a non-obsessive way, I'm enjoying it more.

I'm not anyone's judge, not even my own.

My food intake doesn't define me.  

I can eat 2300 calories one day and 1300 the next, and feel equally satisfied with my choices both days.  And I'm fine with that.

I have a bag of Baked Cheetos in my cabinet, and a bag of Hershey's Bliss dark chocolate hearts in my freezer, and I don't even care.  I can eat them when I want to.  Or not.

Food is NOT constantly on my mind.  Neither is exercise.  

I'm eating WHATEVER I want, including ridiculously healthy meals and some meals that most would consider to be just giant snacks.

I'm exercising 5 days a week(-ish), three of those being run days, and I'm loving how strong my legs and lungs are getting.

most recent run!

I'm tracking it all on My Fitness Pal in a non-judgmental way.

And I'm getting stronger.  And smaller.  And happier.