Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Tasty Tuesday!

 Breakfast = 1/2 cup dry oats, 3/4 cup almond milk, 1 tbs peanut butter, a bit of sugar free syrup
290 calories, 8 PointsPlus
 Morning snack- 1 medium banana, 1 4 oz no sugar added applesauce
135 calories, 0 PointsPlus
Lunch- 1 cup brown rice, 1/2 cup kidney beans, 2 cups steamed mixed veggies, 1 tsp EVOO
421 calories, 8 PointsPlus

 Afternoon snack #1- banana
105 calories, 0 PointsPlus
afternoon snack #2- 15 cocoa roast almonds
104 calories, 3 PointsPlus
 Dinner- 1 cup brown rice, 1/2 cup kidney beans, 1/2 cup canned tomatoes, 1 tsp EVOO
406 calories, 8 PointsPlus
Evening snack- 1 can green beans, 1/2 cup black beans, 1/2 cup canned tomatoes
170 calories, 2 PointsPlus

Totals for the day-
1631 calories - 347 exercise calories = 1284 net calories,
29 PointsPlus

30 minutes stationary biking- +347 exercise calories,
+5 Activity Points

Monday, September 26, 2011

My history with the scale, and all about my scale break

I have recently decided to take a break from the scale.  Yes, I know that only a couple of weeks ago I spoke publicly about my plans to wean myself off of the scale, but I just felt like I needed a break sooner rather than later.

My relationship with the scale has been a rocky one from the very beginning.  Well, maybe not from the very beginning (8 lb 4 oz was perfectly acceptable to newborn me... I think.) but definately from around age 11. 

I remember being horrified the day that the scale went from 99 to 100.  Seriously, horrified.  Like I had suddenly moved from one group of people (slim and beautiful) to another one (fat and ugly).  And of course, slim and beautiful was much better than fat and ugly.

Scales should NOT be in the family bathroom!
  And of course, during those terrible eating disorder days (age 19-21), I had a disordered, scary, crazy, messed up relationship with the scale.  Things that are embarassing to write about, but just to give you an example of something that an anorexic/EDNOS person may do:  I had a stack of old magazines beside my scale that weighed how much I wanted to lose.  I would weigh myself multiple times a day, and remove and add magazines to the stack by weight, to remind myself how much further I had to go.  It was always as a punishment for weight gained, not as a reward for weight lost.  Eventually this project became too much even for me, and I abandoned it and moved onto something else. 

But the scale was torture for me.  I wanted, NEEDED to see a smaller number every day.  If the number was the same or (gasp) bigger than the previous day, I would punish myself with worse food restriction and more exercise.

Then, after recovery, it was years before I even brought another scale into my home.  One of the things that was stressed in recovery was to forget about the number on the scale, to focus on health instead of weight.  Something that I had not expected from recovery of anorexia/EDNOS was to switch from restriction of food to overeating.  Apparently, this happens to many recovered anorexics, but I'm so happy that no one warned me of this possibility when I was trying to recover, as it was my worst fear:  extreme weight gain.

I went to the opposite extreme with my eating, and gained a lot of weight.  It was embarassing for me, to say the least.  Family members were super supportive of this development, probably because they were terrified with how skinny I had been the previous year and they wanted me to live.  Overweight/obese doesn't always equal unhealthy, but in my case it definately was.  Anyway, I kept on feeding my emotions with food and avoiding the scales, while having to go shopping for new (larger) pants every few months.  This continued for a couple of years, until I looked like the "before" pictures over on the side of this page.

This is a number that apparently we should all want to see? 
Why is it always something like this on the box for scales? 
Not cool, scale companies.  Not cool.

I had to find a better way.  Extreme eating (either under or over) and extreme weighing (several times a day or not at all) clearly were not the answers.  There had to be another way to go about this, a way to learn about moderation.  A way to diet without getting tempted to go back to severe restriction and a way to weigh myself without being tempted to go back to multiple daily weigh-ins. 

That's when I found Weight Watchers, and really learned a new way to eat and weigh.  Eat everything in moderation and weigh myself once a week.  (Of course, this blog post is oversimplifying a lot, since there is limited space, but I also began seeing an amazing therapist, who helped me to see that overeating was not the answer to my problems, and WW wasn't always so easy).

Weight Watchers completely turned my life around.  Weighing in once a week was the balance that I had been craving for years.  It was a great way to see how I did that week, and to make sure that the scale was going in the right direction.  Seeing that number on the scale (220) was terrifying at first, but I soon was only focused on the journey, and my mini-goals (as well as my big ultimate goal weight) and knew that 220 was in the past.

So when did this weekly weighing become a problem?

Quite recently.

I have been giving too much power to the number on the scale again.  If it's a "good" number, I give myself permission to overeat that weekend as a reward, and if it's a "bad" number, I give myself permission to overeat that weekend as a pity party.  Either way, it is overeating.

I was starting to get a little crazy with the number again.  I do want to reach my goal weight of 140, and I do think that it's very possible to do so.  So when the scale stopped going down (going from 145-148, up and down but always in that range) I began to start... feeling fat again.  Which I know is stupid.  I'm in a normal and healthy weight for my age and height and my clothes still fit.  But for whatever reason, I was letting the number get to me.

Since starting my break from the scale a couple of weeks ago, I've noticed a few positives. 

1) I am tracking my food and exercise for the sake of tracking.  It's not about my weight right now, it's about my health.  I'm following Weight Watchers, and doing everything "right".  I know that by doing this, my weight will go down, so I'm not worried about my weight right now.  Tracking is just for tracking, and for learning about portion control again, and rediscovering the joys of fresh fruits and vegetables.

2) My weekend eating has nothing to do with the scale.  It's still junk-food-y compared to the work week, but that's just what I eat on the weekends!  It's not a reward or pity-party anymore.  I am tracking my PointsPlus and my calories, and am enjoying my weekend food and activity more than I have in months.

3) I don't care how much I weigh.  Right now, at this moment, I just don't care.  I'm feeling great about my body and my food and exercise choices.  Life is busy, but great.  There is too much going on to worry about something as silly as the number on the scale. 

And... that's it.  This is a loooooooong post, and if you are still reading, bless you.  :-)  I do plan to go back to regular weigh-ins, because I know that never weighing can be as bad for me as constantly weighing.  I will probably step back on the scale in mid-November.  For now, I'm enjoying the break.

Thursday, September 15, 2011


In the interest of being honest, which is what this blog is all about, I need to confess something to you guys:

I am struggling.

I am back on Weight Watchers, but I'm not focused.  I've been letting life get in the way of my weight loss and fitness goals. 

I'm using excuses, such as "School is more important!" and "My neck hurts!" and "Maybe I should just not worry about this stuff anymore and just gain a little weight and let my body decide a new happy weight for me."

Since these are my top three excuses lately, let's examine all of them one by one and debunk my myths.

#1 Why-it's-okay-to-gain-some-weight Myth: 
School is More Important!!!

Umm...  I went to school in January, too.  And it was important then, too.  And somehow, I was waking up early every day to make sure that I got my exercise in, was making and packing healthy snacks for class, and even took 20 minute pilates breaks during my study sessions. 

What's different about this semester?  Besides new classes, nothing.  I have the exact same schedule as last semester.  Work 8-5 Monday through Friday, School 5:30-8:30 Monday through Thursday.  That is exactly the same.  Am I super busy?  Yep.  Does that mean that I cannot eat healthy and exercise?  Nope.

Myth: de-bunked.

#2 Why-it's-okay-to-gain-some-weight Myth:
My Neck Hurts!!!

My car was rear-ended last Wednesday, and I have pretty bad whiplash as a result.  My neck hurts most of the time, and I'm still waiting for a little workman's comp insurance issue before I get to go to an orthopedic doctor to see what the next step should be.  I have lots of pain killers/muscle relaxers/anti-inflammatories, but cannot take them through the work/school day because they make me loopy, so I'm relying on Advil to get me through which only helps a little.

Anyway... Is this a valid excuse to not follow Weight Watchers?  No way.  Is it a valid excuse to go easy on exercise?  Yes, of course it is.  (However, I have been back to stationary biking the last couple of nights, and my neck doesn't get bothered with it, so yay!). 

There is really no reason that neck pain should equal poor food choices.  This is a classic case of "woe is me" eating, or comfort eating.  Enough!! 

Myth: debunked.

#3 Why-it's-okay-to-gain-some-weight Myth:
 Maybe I should just not worry about this stuff anymore and just gain a little weight and let my body decide a new happy weight for me...?

Just typing this one out was sad for me.  Why am I giving myself this excuse, even for just a second?  

First of all:  It's not true.  I would not be happy with my body at a higher weight.  Sure, looking back at my NYC trip from last October, I notice that I didn't really look bad at 168, but I was still 14 pounds overweight and wasn't satisfied with my body at that size. 

me last October (168 lb)
I don't want to go backwards with my weight.  I want to re-lose whatever I've gained with my recent careless eating, and continue until I get down to about 140 pounds, and then start to really focus on toning up and caring less about the number on the scale so long as my clothes fit the same. 

Gaining any of this weight back is just not an option for me!  I've come too far, and learned too much, to ever go back. 

Myth: de-bunked!

Now that I've successfully de-bunked my top three myths, it's time for me to get serious about my weight loss journey again.  Weight Watchers works, and even when followed 100% correctly is not torture.  It's a simple eating plan that allows for everything in moderation, but focuses on eating mostly whole and healthy foods.  That's exactly how I want to eat forever, so why am I making this hard for myself?  Urg.

Today is day 3 OP, and I'm feeling pretty positive about it.  I just thought that I'd remind you all that I'm human (like you needed reminding of that, I'm pretty sure that I don't even kind of come across as perfect) and that I struggle with my dieting/exercising just like everyone else.  I just need to get back in the groove, and it will all be good again.

Monday, September 12, 2011

The prodigal Weight Watcher returns!

I stopped being an official paying Weight Watchers Online member a while ago.  About 9 weeks ago.

I was hoping to be able to continue on my own to lose the last few pounds.  (and by my own, I mean with lots of help from My Fitness Pal!)

And I was doing pretty well.  I even wrote my own new diet plan that has lots of potential, and enjoyed it for a couple of weeks.  I went from 153 down to 145.8 in about 9 weeks, which is a satisfactory rate of loss for the last few pounds in my opinion.

However... something was missing.

And I think that something, unfortunately was STRUCTURE.

As soon as I hit the "accept" button on quitting Weight Watchers Online all those weeks ago, I felt a sense of panic setting in.  No more WW tracker?  No more weekly weigh-in reminders?

But above that, I felt a sense of FREEDOM.  It was all in my hands now...  I didn't have to answer to Weight Watchers or anyone else!  I could design my own weight loss plan!  I could take what I had learned from WW and apply it towards a new plan of calorie-counting.  How exciting it was.

The thing is though, from the very beginning of this journey, I haven't had to answer to anyone but myself.  Weight Watchers Online wasn't holding my hand.  It was a tool that I used to get healthy. 

I have lost weight many times in the past, only to put it right back on (plus more, usually).  I wasn't ready to be healthy yet, and as soon as the excitement of whatever new diet plan wore down, I was done with it and ready to go back to my old ways. 

This time around I choose to hold myself accountable.  And if I find that accountability through Weight Watchers or through some other means, that's okay.

I find myself craving the structure that Weight Watchers offers.  The PointsPlus system, the commaraderie of other members, the good health guidelines...

As soon as I made the decision to sign up again (registration fee waived for previous members!!!) I knew that I had made the right decision.  All of my awesome WW memories came flooding back to me, and I feel like I'm home again. 

I know what works for me, and it's Weight Watchers.

...for now.

P.S. Personal update- I was in a car accident last week, and have bad whiplash!  That's why I'm still easing my way back into exercise.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Pear??? Me...???

This is the shape of my body.  Or... so I'm told.  What do you think?

Okay, yeah.  I see it.  So, I've accepted my fate as a pear.  Does this mean that I'm doomed to a lifetime of big hips?  Yep.  Does it mean that I cannot get more toned?  Nope.

I have a new goal, and it's to become a firm and toned pear.  But not necessarily to lose much more weight.

I'm pretty darn happy with my shape and size right now.  I would love to lose a few more hip inches, but I know that it will take time and lots of exercise and healthy habits. 

I'm willing to put in the work to get my dream body! 

Rose may be more hourglass than pear, but I think that her hips/legs are a realistic goal for me.
 I believe that I will get there with cardio, lunges, squats, and more cardio.  And hopefully some day I will be able to put together a good strength training routine, but that will have to come next year, because this year is FULL.

What is your body shape? 

Are you learning to embrace it? 

Are you willing to put in the work to get to your ideal level of toned/firmed hotness that you desire (or maybe you are already there and have to work to maintain it)? 

P.S.  I was down .8 at Saturday's weigh-in!  And my new eating plan is still going well.